July 9th, 2017

Annnnnnd the countdown continues and gets closer…. Here we are, only 4 more days til I leave Medford, OR… Some people will say that I am leaving to avoid things, or a comfort zone, but the funny thing to me is those people don’t know me at all… Im not moving to get out of a comfort zone, I don’t live some place “rent free” I pay bills here and my own, so its not a “lavish” life at all, so the idea that Im living in the comfort of “some ladies” house makes me giggle. I do live with my sister, but these bills don’t stop for no one, they come every month sister.. When I speak of comfort zones, Im not speaking of my own. I constantly go outside my own, Im speaking of people who stay in relationships too long because they are comfortable, knowing the love went out the window on year 5 but stayed together, cuz thats all they know. Break up to make up. The ones who check the call logs, and the records and all of that, I speak of that comfort zone. I speak of doing something bold, like taking a job, doing something different. Stop living in fear of being outside your comfort zone, I am not at ALL speaking about me in that regards, I have lived a life that I have both loved and hated in the last almost 32 years. For those who don’t know me, or think they do but don’t really.. Lemme re-introduce myself…

My name is Kathryn, Katie or Kate for short, I was born in Cedar Rapids, IA, where I lived with my parents and older sister until I was 8 and my parents divorced, and then I decided to go with my dad instead of stay with my mom, and was moved to Kentucky. To which I resided from 8-23, I met many people there, my sons father, I had a son at 19, in Elizabethtown, KY, and we grew up together. This year is his golden birthday, he’ll be 12 on the 12th!! Man its an amazing experience watching him grow up, and change and become a little man. At the ripe ol age of 22 my boyfriend of 6 years, and I started discussing getting out of Kentucky because the economy was crashing, there wasn’t many jobs, and everything seemed like groundhog day, the same thing on repeat every day,  so since my mom and sister lived in Las Vegas, and we would know someone we discussed moving there. On June 10, 2009 my son and I got on a plane with a one way ticket to Las Vegas, to a new beginning, while saying good bye to his dad at the airport that day we had no idea just how severe that good bye was really.  2 days later I had a job getting on the job training as a medical assistant, and one week later my sons father called me to tell me he wasn’t moving to Las Vegas, broke my heart, and a month later he called and told me he had gotten my friend pregnant, wellp if you could imagine it, my heart was shattered, everything I was, was shattered. I mean the real of the situation was that we were just stuck because we were comfortable, and we weren’t any good together, but to end like that is earth shattering. Soo moving forward, Here I am now a single mom for the first time, my beautiful big ol brown eyed baby boy looking at me wondering why Im crying myself to sleep, and wiping my tears. My mom and sister doing their best to try and duct tape my broken heart back together. Unable to do so, which therefore caused my anger and hurt and resentment to have me act out in behaviors that were not at all becoming of a woman. OR at least a “grown” woman. Fast forward, I am now 28, and looking for a change, I was tired of hitting “dead-ends” in Las Vegas, getting doors slammed shut in my face, so I had the opportunity to move to Oregon with my friend and sister who was alone out here, and I felt alone in Vegas. So I moved in Julyof 2014, my friend flew down to Las Vegas, where I picked her up from the airport we had a last who-rawww on the strip and then we woke up and drove to LA the next day spent it on the beach, lounging about to where we had to wake up the next day and drive to Medford, OR. Where I spent a year finding myself, becoming one of the best versions of myself, losing weight, letting go of negativity, and becoming who I am supposed to be. I have many memories of road trips, good times, laughs, and pictures from that time. Then somewhere in the midst of all of that, I felt as though I was “missing” something in Vegas, as though I had left a door open still and it needed to be shut. Boy o boy I wish I would have known then what I know now that Vegas this time around was going to be the absolute WORST time of my life, and it came in the form of a man who presented as everything I ever thought I wanted or needed. And he was not a knight in shining armor, in fact his tin foil had several patches missing, but nope I was blinded. This man forever changed me, I was not the same after that. So to escape the memory of him and all that he is or was, I moved away from Vegas AGAIN back to Medford, where everything was familiar, but unfortunately the damage was already done, I managed to alienate almost everyone, because as the famous saying goes “hurt people hurt people” and boy did I hurt people. I didnt care who got hurt in the wake of my destruction. So this time around not so many pleasant memeories, but here we are a year later and I am moving to LA. I know you may be asking why or what or WTF?! But I feel as though my heart is in LA, and not in the form of a person, as if I am just being “called” to LA. I can’t wait honestly, it is both terrifying and exciting all in the same breathe. I am terrified because it is my son and I that are just going, and if I fail he fails… but I think that is what is going to be the driving force behind what makes me so successful. I know people think Im a POS mom for moving my son around so much, but the real of the situation is you dont know him And kids are resilient, its no different than if I was in the military, he would have been moved around for that as well. My son is NO way lacks or suffers because of my constant “on the fly” decision making… I wish people wouldn’t speak on things they know nothing of. It would make life a lot easier, and you’ll live longer, I mean I think its been scientifically proven, minding your own business helps you live longer…. orr maybe we should conduct an experiment… and that will be my hypothesis!!! Sounds good to me… Ok so back on track.

I have been talked about, disrespected, slut shamed, bashed on public forums, cussed out and basically called everything BUT a white lady by people. I have had EVERY one of my decisions and choices be micromanaged and dissected into the smallest of particles to decipher if what I am doing is BEST for me and my son. I have been a topic of conversation for people who know nothing but what they have read and then twisted to make it fit the story they needed to tell. Am I a victim no not at all, I can own up to all of my actions and my misconducts with the best of them, am I a villain? Most definitely, but I bet Im the most beautiful villain you will meet, but the truth is Im done being painted as the villain, because it gets old. Its the same old story on a played out channel, and honestly Im done. It truly and honestly amazes me the way people can skew things to make it fit something or break apart what you say and only take pieces and make it a completely new thought and it should never happen that way. INSANE!!!! At least when I tell a story I tell it all, I don’t just tell the parts that make it look like someone is picking on me, I learned the hard way thats not the best approach and the TRUTH always comes out. Therefore telling it all is the best way, so when I tell a story I tell it all, the good the bad the ugly, the nitty gritty, even if it makes me look bad because guess what they didn’t do what they did just cuz…. anywho…

For those who felt that they knew me, or needed to speak up on my life, I figured I would re-introduce myself, as Im sure I will be doing way more of as I continue to grow and find myself. Oh and one thing also, yes, my teeth on the top are dentures, and NO I dont care what you or anyone thinks about it. My saliva was eating away at the enamel of my teeth and causing decay and I swear its like you can’t win for losing, made fun of for missing teeth and having decayed teeth, and then I get my teefers fixed and Im still being talked about and made fun of… like where is the happy medium??? I mean lets face it, one thing I have learned about life is its NEVER fair, and its ALWAYS changing, Im sure that I could be perfect and someone somewhere would still find a reason to complain about me… there is NO WINNING!!!! and guess what??!?!!?!! I DONT FUCKING CARE!!!!! I honestly don’t…. you wanna talk about me behind my back… cool.. thats why you’re behind me… you don’t like something I do.. cool.. which one of my bills is YOUR opinion going to be paying this month? Or you for that matter? When you’re speaking about me, which bill are you going to pay? Please let me know. I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but I have spent toooooo much of my life worrying and wondering what people thought. Oh my if I post this what will so and so say… if I say this what is someone going to think of me… truth is.. everyone already has a perception, and Im not really into taking the time to change how you view me… not anymore.. too old to be caring if people like me or what I do.. They say only a guilty conscious takes offense to something that someone says.. so if you feel as if this is about you, I don’t know what to tell you. Im just speaking relatively. Unless one of your negative ass opinions or views of me is gonna pay my bills you can keep it! :)))

I love me, I love my new teeth, fake or not, I love my new smile that comes with it, I love the lisp I have when I don’t have them in, (that one took awhile) I love my eyes, I love when I have makeup on, I love when Ima naked face, I love when my hair is a hot mess and not doing anything right, I love my skin, no matter if it gets too red, too quickly!! I love my belly, I love that it shakes when I am laughing really hard (not too much that Im not working at making it smaller) I love my legs, my feet, my toes, I love my tattoos, I love that when something is tooo funny I snort, I love the way my eyes crinkle when something genuinely makes me smile, I love my thumbs are hyper extended so I always give a “table” up instead of thumbs… I especially love that I am getting back to the woman I knew before, the one who saw the good in the situation even when it was a horrible one, and honestly seeing it. Like oooook, yea they hurt me but look at what I’ve gained from that pain. Look at how strong I am becoming. Yea I used to be passive, and maybe now Im a bit too aggressive, but Ill find a middle ground! Thing is Im figuring out how to love all of the things that others would call “flaws” :)))

Sooo Ive done Insanity two days in a row, and I don’t remember my calves being THIS sore, lol but hey, I said when I left I was going to take the first 30 days to focus on me, so i figure why wait to start? cuz there will be 2 days of driving that I wont be able to work out. So I might as well just get that taken care of now so when I miss this weekend I wont feel like Im starting over again. I will say though that Insanity is definitely intense, and it really feels good to me because I used to have to stop all the time because I couldn’t breathe and now I just have to slow down, but I don’t stop. Except when they do that there floor work!! This stupid lack of upper body strength is the devil… But Ima get there. I almost started crying today during my workout, because while I was doing it, I realized how badly I wanted it, and I hated that I it hurt so bad I had to stop for a minute, so I let the tears well up in my eyes, I blinked them away and kept on pushing. Its all mental.. If I keep telling myself I can’t then I never will. And its about being the best me.

I was asked today what my dream job would be today, and I said bloggin, if I could blog and get paid it would be love. Next to making things about people again, blogging is it. It makes me happy, it provides an outlet, I basically give you an insight to my head and thoughts EVERY day… I mean here lately I havent done much to warrant a blog, and once I move I am going to give myself 30 days to reboot…. UNLESS life happens and its beautiful and I HAVE to tell you about it.

Well I have to go and shut my brain off, so I can sleep as I need to continue to do Insanity tomorrow. Remember folks if you can’t find a good person, be a good person!! ❤ Good night my loves!

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