June 17th, 2017

You know its insane to me, just how much one human being can mess with your whole mental… I just have to keep reminding myself, that its cool. The truth is going to come out, and when it does… That’s the thing.. the truth doesn’t like to stay hidden, it rarely ever does. I have learned that over the years. Either a situation, or something happens to where the truth comes out. All I can say is I hope the truth sets you free.. For real..

Moving on, as the times come closer and closer and the date for us to leave approaches even more rapidly, I am becoming more excited. I don’t know what it is, but I just feel that things are going to happen down there. It is something bigger than myself, or anything that I could ever imagine. Have you ever felt like that? That something is bigger than you? Because that is what this is,  new city, a new state, a new job, a new area, a new chance at life. How could it not be better? Don’t get me wrong, I realize everything always has set backs and things that happen, but I can’t express my excitement enough. Things are going to happen in LA and its going to be amazing. I am just trucking along with my school, and soon I’ll be able to work and utilize that, and then I will be on my way to my dreams.

I’ve decided that until I have myself where I want to be and need to be, that men just are not a necessity. Besides the fact that I need to have a connection to even be intimate with someone, and truthfully the last time I let myself get close enough to someone to tell them EVERYTHING all my secrets were used against me, from someone else who just went thru the information, talk about being naked I let him know everything, every deep dark secret, every single thing, and it left me broken. Never again. So now that I have that decided, I am going to focus on me and my son. Unless you can add to what I already have and add knowledge to me and my pursuit, than you gotta stay your ass on the side lines.

I want something that people don’t value anymore, I want a connection. I want to be able to talk to you about any and everything, video games, astrology, harry potter, greek mythology, religion, kids, morals, values, all of that. I want something deeper than the ocean, and that is the only kind of love I know how to give, is to much. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love hard, and loving all the wrong people I can only imagine what is going to happen when I find the right one. I believe in soulmates and past lives, but I also believe that sometimes it might be the “right love, wrong time” and that is ok also. It is what it is.. That has become like my catch phrase here lately, it is what it is, like I don’t even care anymore. I am becoming so focused on my shit. My fitness, my school, my career, and where I wanna be in 2 years. Im not going to say 5 years, because guess what tomorrow isn’t promised. So therefore you need to be prepared for everything. You need to tell the people you love you love them, forgive the ones who hurt you, and cherish the time you have with the ones closest to you.

One of the hardest things in life is to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry.

In today’s society, everyone is so quick to throw things away, people and relationships, instead of working on them and making them better, they jump ship and find another one, and then wonder why there is so many problems left behind. No one values the things people used too, this is one reason I am NOT married. Divorce is NOT an option, if you are mad you better take your mad ass into the next room and calm it down, come talk to me later, I won’t call you out your name, I won’t degrade you. I won’t put my hands on you. I won’t blow you up 28 times in a row if you say you need time, I’ll just make sure to kiss you on your forehead and ask you please to come home to me when you’re ready. There is NOTHING in this world that can’t be talked over. Cheating is a deal breaker though, that one there is no coming back from, the thing is, I would rather deal with the pain of losing you, rather than the pain of losing you AND the pain of you cheating on me. Because I will be DAMNED if a man determines MY self worth anymore. Make me feel like Im not good enough because you’re a coward and want your cake and eat it too??? No sirree bob. Not I said the fly. But that other shit is little kid shit, the placing hands on someone, the calling and texting 86 times in a row, the name calling, all of that. And PLEASSEEE don’t let there be children involved because that is where women give us other women a bad name. I get it, your man don’t want you no more, and y’all have a child together, so since you can’t control him in a relationship anymore, you “control” the one thing you can, and that is him seeing y’alls child. Do you even KNOW the damage you are doing to your child? Keeping them from the other parent because of your pride or your ego, or your anger?! You’re the one who is fucking up, not the person who left. You are only hurting your child, not the other person. I will never understand those women, “if you leave me, you’ll never see your child again”…  “if you get with that bitch, Ill leave state” like really? You’re that childish? You would hurt your child that much, because of your pain? Get over it! Grow up and be an adult!!! I swear those girls irritate me so much. I could never, my son’s father, had MY FRIEND pregnant a month after I left him, and I still let my son go and see his dad. Because no matter how I felt towards him or her, who he was with didn’t change the fact that he was a good father, and great to Mikai… If you are THAT girl, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, WHY THE FUCK YOU CANT PUT YOUR PRIDE TO THE SIDE AND LET THAT MAN BE A FATHER????
The thing is, that shit happens all the time. My friends go thru it, my friends do it. Im like what the fuck is wrong with you. Why are you like that? Its a control thing, man… its that serious though? I can’t be friends with someone who knows that their childs father is a good father and they keep them away because of a female or something. I mean I get it, I was NOT happy about another women being near my child, raising him when I wasn’t around, another “mom” but the truth is, that is MORE love that, that child gets, why wouldn’t you want someone else to be there for your child? Take care of them, provide love, shelter, happiness? Like its that important to you to control your ex that you have to hurt your child in the process. Those ones are the best too cuz then they lie to their kid, “well daddy chose that BITCH over you” “he doesn’t love you, if he loved you he would have never left mommy” And don’t get me started on the girls who try to manipulate and control the man when they want to leave by saying, you don’t love your child if you leave me. I can’t believe you would treat them like that, if you hurt me you hurt them too. Wow those girls are a piece of work. ***NEWS FLASH*** YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD… THE LOVE THAT MAN HAS FOR YOU IS DIFFERENT THAN THE LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEIR CHILD…. So they most definitely can love their child, but want to leave your ass.. Shit if thats the kind of person you are, I would want to leave your ass tooo. Come on women, we gotta do better, you wonder why we get the titles we do, because most of you aren’t keeping your child from an abusive father. You are just hurt and mad, its cool I get it, I was there too, but remember who you’re hurting.

Ok rant done, I could go on forever about that, but I won’t Ill stop. Lol. It’s a hennesey kind of night, some days Im fine other days I am flooded with emotion. Today is one of those days. But oh well. I am learning to become the storm. I have always loved playing in the rain, now I just have to get used to being the storm. Im going to go drink, and not drunk text anyone. Enjoy y’alls night.

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