June 13th, 2017

Mannnnn… I tell you what! Is June done yet? It seems to be flying by! Or maybe its because I want it to be.. Either way! Its coming up! Which means I have 30 days give or take to get myself prepared! And by prepared I mean man, since I have gotten my teeth fixed I can’t eat what I used too, and lemme tell you I am like a bear in winter. I HATE everyone!!!! Especially if you can eat, you automatically get on my damn nerves. Ha, dont lemme smell your food either, or hear you talking about scrumptious food! I am NOT responsible for what happens to you if you continue to discuss food in my presence. Just saying! I don’t know how people do liquid diets, because protein shakes, scrambled eggs, and soup I am beginning to HATE!!!!! Ok rant over…

I am literally sitting here doing homework and had to stop to have a mini dance sesh in the living room, as I have this song on repeat. I mean homework will be there when Im done, my sick dance moves, I mean those are epic, I need to show absolutely no one. hahahaha.. my son did look at me crazy! 😉 I love that little guy. He text met today in the middle of the day, just to tell me he loves me! *swoon* Boys are such mama’s boys, they are so loyal to their mamas, girls are different with their mamas, once they hit a certain age, girls don’t give a damn bout they mamas. And they definitely aren’t gonna text them in the middle of the day just to say I love you! hahaha… Mikai is definitely excited and nervous about the move, but I think he is more excited than anything else. But kids are so resilient, they adapt to change way quicker than any adult. They don’t need time to plan, or figure it out, they just roll with the punches. I love that about him, he is like me in so many ways, I mean he is literally the best parts of me. And I love his personality, his sarcasm, his sense of humor, his laugh, and his sensitivity.  12 years, man 10 of which I have been a single mama. 2 months from yesterday he will be 12, where does time go? Ima blink and he’s gonna be going off  to college, and then Ima blink again and Ima be fixing his tie at his wedding, and wishing for grandchildren. Kids, man, it goes by too fast. If I never did anything right in life, I know I did with him. I might be a lot of things in this world, but you can’t convince my son that his mama don’t love him, nor can you tell him his mama aint gonna take care of him. My son always has everything he needs, maybe not what he wants, but believe me if its within my power, I make it happen.

People make fun of me, well “white” people make fun of me, when I say that I cant wait for the day that Mikai tells me he hates me or I ruined his life. If he doesnt tell me that at least once in his life, I didnt do my job as his parent. He tells me now I am his best friend, but in reality, I am his mom, I am NOT his friend. I can’t stand those parents, the ones who don’t want to discipline their child, the ones with the kids in the stores who act a damn fool until they get their own way. The ones who kick and scream and are disrespectful to their parents. Nope. Not I. I went to take him to the bathroom once he screamed out in the store like someone was gonna help him, and I whooped him there, in the middle of the store. Embarrassed his lil self, I was tryna save him the embarrassment, but he wanted to make a scene. So shoot, mama dont play that! hahahaha that has clearly been quite awhile, but its funny. He is also getting to this “pre-teen” stage, where he once asked me what was I going to do when he was taller than me and could “take me” I said boy… lemme tell you something, the day.. (insert giggle) you think you can “take me” you can come talk to me when you pick yourself up off that floor. Then ask me that question again, shoot. I wish my son would. I will throw hands with my son, and not think twice about it if he thinks he is bold enough to take me. Thankfully we aren’t in that stage, but if we get there… lol… I think thats one of the perks of being a single mama. hahahaha… But that boy is my life. At the end of the day, none of the “drama” arguing, back and forth, petty bullshit, it dont take care of him. It doesn’t put food in his mouth, it doesn’t pay my bills. And neither does anyone else, my mom is starting over from scratch herself, she can’t “pay” my stuff if I dont have the money, I don’t get to get bailed out. At one point I did, it didnt matter, I would be bailed out. But not no more, it dont happen that way. People who have been spoiled their whole lives, and continue dont know real struggle. If you have a parent or grandparent who will pay your bill, or bail you out, you aren’t doing it yourself. If someone put their name on a car, or put the down payment for your apt, you didn’t do that shit. Believe me, I was a spoiled ass brat, my dad gave me whatever I wanted, if I got paid and spent my whole check on bullshit, he would still pay my bills, even knowing that I just got paid. I never had to learn the value of a dollar, I would put things in front of my bills, getting my nails done, hair done, out with my friends, clothes, and bills were last. Well lemme tell you, flying from that nest was such an eye opener, I moved in with 5 friends, in Kentucky, in a 3 bedroom, fully stocked mother in law suite basement, with a pool, basketball court, and jacuzzi tub. It was the house I grew up in. I had the whole basement to myself. Kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom, everything. My parents had to move in with my grandma, so my friends and I rented the house. Crazy how fast that makes you grow up, it went from 5 people paying all the bills, to just me and my friends boyfriend, mind you the rent is NOTHING compared to now.. It was $700 rent for all of that and then $300 for the utilities. INSANE right?? man.. making minimum wage, at 18 living in a home with all these people, and then being one of the only ones paying rent. We lost the house, and I lost my friends, because thats what greed does. But my pride wouldn’t let me go home, well that and my evil step mom, so I bounced from house to house, couch hopping, paying bills with different people until I took EIGHT… yes 8 home pregnancy tests and found out I was pregnant, as well as a blood test. And thats when I knew shit had to change. It wasn’t just me anymore, I had this thing inside of me, crazy part is I didnt find out til I was 4 months pregnant, that I was. I mean hell I’m 19.. what do I know??  Crazy the things you remember…. I have made MANNYY and I do mean MANNYYY mistakes, but with him, none at all..

Somewhere in the midst of my hate, and anger, and bullshit fighting, and arguing, and competition, and petty drama, I lost myself, and therefore lost my WHY.. but the truth is, he is my WHY, always has been always will be. The rest doesn’t matter. AT the end of the day, I frankly do not give a FUCK who likes me, doesn’t, wishes I would drive off a bridge, loves me. Who texts my phone, calls me, doesnt call me or text me. Because he is it. The only thing that matters. Some people can paint a pretty story, but Im done and over it. Find your why, and stay out my lane. Is what I have to tell anyone who is worried bout me. Cuz I promise I aint worried bout you no more. Funny how that happens, something just snaps and the things you used to worry about dont matter no more. Insane.

 

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