May 17th, 2017

Mannnnnnnn…….  I swear sometimes, I just have to sit back and be amazed. Not at other people but myself. Like woooooooooow KATIE!!!! Really? What were you thinking? The truth is, I wasn’t. Man o man, like I said before when someone acts as if they don’t care believe them, because then genuinely DO NOT CARE!!!!! Because no person who respects you or cares for you would put you thru the SAME bs over and over, what kind of person are you that you can listen to someone sobbing, and know that you are hurting them but continue to do the same things over and over??? You aren’t a person, you are a heartless, soulless creature. One that definitely doesn’t belong in my life.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting, and making changes, and I have realized the progress I have made so far, but while talking to a close friend of mine, no not one that is close as in we’ve slept together, I mean close as in, he has always been there, when I was going thru my biopsies, he sat on the phone with me and prayed for me actively prayed for me. He read the bible to me, and he comforted me thru loss and trials. I was discussing with him how I am on this journey because I didn’t like the person who stared back at me in the mirror daily. And all he could tell me was to come sit down and talk to him, and let him remind me of all the things that I AM, instead of me cataloging all the things that I’m not. When I talk to him, he always adds in our good byes, don’t forget you are an amazing woman. God knows that there has been times in my life that I don’t deserve people like him in my life. I mean hell, the woman that I used to be, is no where near the woman that I am now, and the one I am growing into. I know this also, because when someone approached me and wrote something that I found to be disrespectful, they very rudely and bluntly pointed out that “I never used to mind” that speaks volumes to me, as a woman and someone who is trying to grow as a person. The fact that I had so little respect for myself that I had been ok with how they were talking before. As previously stated change is the only thing that is constant and ever evolving. If you can’t change then you can’t grow. And as harsh as that is, it’s the truth. People who live in comfort zones, will never realize or learn their full potential, because as soon as something gets tough, they run right back to their bubble, and they hide out there. People do it all the time; jobs, living situations and especially in relationships. People don’t stay together because they love each other anymore, they stay together because they are too scared to find out what is out there on their own.

It’s sad really, I know that feeling also. I was with my sons father for 7 years, and the last year and a half was out of comfort really, I knew the love was gone, he knew the love was gone, but we had a child, so we stayed. We convinced ourselves that we truly loved each other, and had to be together. There are so many people like that now, ones that if they really sat back and looked at the situation they would realize they aren’t in love, they are just comfortable. It’s sad, but believe me I know the plight, and how hard it is to get out of the stagnant position.  But if you keep on convincing yourself you are happy in your comfort zone, you will end up resenting and hating the thing that you are clinging too.

I know here lately my blogs seems to be sad, or depressing but the real of it is, I am just realizing so much about myself, and the people I interact with, and its truly taking a toll on me. For example, for the last year and a half, I have let the same TWO people have a huge influence on my life, ranging from my mood to the content I put on social media, and more. And the truth is neither one of them even deserve a second thought. Neither one pays my bills, takes care of my son, or fills my cup so to speak. So why do I let them have such a hold on me and my life. That I’ll never know, and as previously stated, time heals nothing, it just replaces memories. I agree with that. I am just hoping that the memories can be faded away just a bit quicker! That would be love!

I have a wedding to go to this weekend, and to be honest I don’t want to go. Ha. I am sooooo notorious for saying Ima make plans and then NEVER actually doing them. So bad at it, its just like in the moment that idea sounded amazing, but now, not so much!! You know? hahaha it is what it is, but Ima go because I promised, and I cant go back on my promise. As I sit and watch my cat claw at the cat that has the audacity to look exactly like her in the mirror, I find it funny how the simple things are the things that people take for granted the most, but they are the most important. Like no one says, Man I really miss the car she drove. Its always something like, I miss the way her forehead crinkled when something was really funny. The small things, yet we take them for granted. When it comes to the small things in life, children and cats are perfect examples of what to follow to achieve it. Working in Peds, you would not believe how quickly a kid dries their tears and forgets they were even crying when they get to pick out their sticker. Could you imagine? Your whole world being fixed because of a sticker? It would be bliss wouldn’t it?!

Well its past my bedtime, and this mama is tired. So positive vibes. Positive life. Sweet dreams. ❤

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