May 15th, 2017

Have you ever just been sitting there, and then all of the sudden it hits you? You don’t really know what “it” is, or why it is there, but all of the sudden you are watching a movie, and a lyric from a song, has you all emotional and you don’t know why. Until your brain decides to take off full speed in a direction that you don’t want it too. In life if you find someone you love you are truly lucky, not a kid love, not possessive love, but pure genuine unconditional love, its tricky that kind of love. Because you never know when to pull away, if you pull away it feels as if it goes against everything that unconditional love is, but if you stay, you are basically ripping yourself to shreds loving this person. How do you do it? Lemme tell you what unconditional love is, when that person hurts you to a point beyond breaking where after years of time apart, and all the duct tape in the world, you’re never whole again, but you still want to make sure they are ok, even though you’re the one hurting. You want to make sure they know that even though you can’t talk to them right now, you’ll still be here. Like I said, ripping yourself to shreds, trying to make sure they never feel the pain that you feel. Either a person is really stupid, or its just unconditional. The problem is you can’t choose who it goes too. Believe me, I’ve tried. I can’t tell you how many nights that I have wondered over the past year and a half, “why him” why… Am I just a gluten for punishment? Am I really that stupid?  I mean I know I’m not, so why him. The universe is a funny thing, they say people are already predestined to meet and once it is written in the stars there is nothing that you can do about the meeting. Do you believe in fate? Or do you believe that we write our own stories? I believe in both, I believe that fate and our choices in life, all play a part in where we are to end up. But anyways back to my point, that spark that flare of a memory, and then watching that trail lead somewhere you don’t want it too. It’s ok to miss someone, and remember things, but don’t live there. They say time heals all wounds, but honestly I used to believe that, now I don’t, time heals nothing, it just replaces memories. So here I am waiting for time to replace the memories, while I just sit back and watch them play over in my head like a projector reel that’s broken. Some days I just want to shut it off, and not care, but that is not how I am built. Im an empathetic soul. And I hate it sometimes. I don’t want to feel things as deeply as I do, and I definitely don’t want to hold on to things longer than I should, but I do that also. Its just a non-winning road… Sad part was I was fine up until that song played, and then like a spool of thread when pulled and dropped on the ground it just all came unraveling and wouldn’t stop. And here we are…. talking about this….

Well moving on, so last night I got to sit in the ER with my little, he got what I got but the problem is he has asthma, so therefore I just wanted to make sure he was ok. And it wasn’t something worse. He got to stay home today and play hookie, and loved every minute of it.

I will miss nights like tonight the most when we move, where my very intelligent curious niece comes downstairs and has conversations with me about impossible things. The type of conversations I want to have period. She asked me tonight what I thought the meaning of life was? And then she told me she thinks its love, love is the meaning of life. I don’t think she’s wrong. She is so smart and curious and interested in everything, her questions make you think outside the box and she rarely ever accepts your answer for face value. Asiah my love, thank you, for the endless laughs, your amazing dance moves, and all the impossible questions which has made me realize that while I am book smart, I can always stand to learn something more. I love you sweet girl. You’ll do amazing things in life. I just know it.

Well it is definitely past my bedtime, I have a headache, a toothache, and a heartache… Its time to call it a night.


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