April 10th, 2017

As I sit here and stare at this blank screen, not but 3 hours ago, did I have everything planned out that I was going to say.. And now, nothing, I am as blank as this screen that I am looking at. Well was looking at…..

Have you ever been in love? Im not talking puppy love, Im talking that over the fence, cant eat, cant sleep reach for the stars love? Its a motherfucker isnt it.. Especially when its with the wrong person. I wish you could help who you fell in love with, it surely would make things alot easier in life. Save you heartache, tears, unanswered questions, and a whole hell of a lot of money from the liquor you’ve bought to drink to drown your sorrows in. One day Ill tell you my epic love story, but today isn’t it. You see the thing is, if I say it out loud, I fear it wont be as epic as it was to me.

Moving on, today at work, I guess God thought I needed to hear something because a woman I worked under saw me today, and she hugged me telling me my smiling face was always such a welcoming sight. And as she hugged me she told me, “You know Katie,  you are a beautiful, strong, smart and successful woman, and you have been met with many adversities here at work because of that personality trait, I just want to tell you, never stop doing what you do, do not let anyone dim your spark, and continue to be the strong, smart, successful woman that I know you will be.” I do not know if it was because it was after lunch and the wind was blowing west, or if God was just listening to my inner thoughts, but it made my day. I know that I am strong, even if I am strong in ways that most wouldn’t consider strong. I am also beautiful. It took a long time to look in the mirror and love what I saw. The reflection that stared back at me, the missing teeth when I smiled, the extra pounds that caused the cute clothes not to fit, the way that when I laughed my belly jiggled. I used to hate those things, I used to think they were vile, and actually people made me feel that way, because whats cute about fat shaking when you laugh, nothing. Right? Well after many years of hating myself, and months of working on myself, I love it all. I still have a long way to go, but I love it. All of it, from the 18 different shades of color in my hair cuz I never could just choose one. To the stretch marks on my belly and thighs, to my tippy toes, that FYI are pretty cute. In case anyone needed to know. To hear that someone who I looked up too, who I admired, admired me because of the things that so many people disliked about me? Was amazing. There are not many people within my job that appreciate when I speak up about things being wrong, or a “different” way to do things. Not necessarily better, just different. It felt good to be noticed, instead of constantly trying to put myself out there. She noticed me. The me I’ve been all along just didnt know was there.

Right after that I was walking and my boss came and walked with me to tell me how much she appreciated me setting the standard for which all other floats have to live up too. You see last week was the first time supporting a clinic that no float has ever been too, and she said now because of the work I did and my personality, they are open to having more help, although they would prefer if it could be me each time. It warms my heart, You see some days, I dont want to wake up and go to work, and its not because I hate what I do, because I love it. I love helping people, I love listening to people’s stories. I love it all, but it is because in working for a corporation, it somehow drifted from being about the people to being about money. And I realize that I say this often, but I care about people nd their care. From 8-5pm, I am not Katie, mom and sister, I am Katie, Medical assistant, patient care advocate. That is all that matters, the rest is irrelevant.

Anyways, the moral of this story is that God has been working on me and my heart, and I am trying. Even though I know what I am and what I am becoming, it is still nice to know other people, who I dont even talk to every day or see every day, notice it as well. Makes me feel all warm and tingling.

Sooooo I lied yesterday and didnt hit the gym, cuz I went up to squatting 100lbs and man o man are my legs and booty feeling it, so considering I cant even really walk a straight line let alone steps, I didnt go! Buuuuuuuut tomorrow is a new day and I will go! So sleep well, good night, positive vibes, positive life. ❤

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