April 2nd, 2017

As I sit here outside at Starbucks, and I just finished my homework, I sit back and have the sun just hitting me in my face. I love the sun, it makes me feel alive, it warms me, it just makes me feel like I’m me again. If that makes sense, the wind is blowing, and even though it is a cold wind, and my legs are showing, I am warm. The sun somehow just coats me and has me warm to my core. Is anyone else like that about the sun? I dont quite know how to explain it, but it just makes my heart happy when the sun is out, I got caught at work sitting in the window with my face to the sun. Someone said I looked peacefully in bliss just sitting there looking at the sun with my eyes closed. Truth, I was. If I could close my eyes and look to the sun to fix everything I think I would be in bliss. Moving on because we all know that is unrealistic.

Happiness, its an inside job right? I mean that’s what everyone keeps saying, but what do you do when you feel trapped? Like you know that you are in a good place, nothing is wrong physically, mentally, or really even emotionally, but you just feel trapped. Like you can’t move even if you wanted too? What do you do then? Do you leave it alone and hope that it goes away? Because I can assure you that it does not. Firstly I have to say you have to be happy being alone before you can be happy in a relationship, I mean that is just the just of it. I think everyone gets to a point in their life where they are completely and utterly happy being alone. Truth is you never know when that moment is going to hit, you could be by yourself, going thru the motions or think you’re blissfully happy in a relationship when that moment hits you. And the truth of the matter is, you are your #1, and you need to make sure your star player is taken care of before you can do anything. If you don’t change it, you’ll end up with resentment. I woke up today and realized that I have ALWAYS put others feelings and wants over mine. I have settled because I didn’t want to upset someone else’s world, but just ignored my own happiness. And I am not going to do that anymore. I have found that it is completely true, unless someone understands that your phone is not a priority, when you are trying to better yourself and your situation they will always think you are too busy. Some people don’t get it, and its ok, that doesn’t make it wrong that they don’t get it, it just means they aren’t right with you. I HATE talking on the phone with a passion, I make exceptions here and there because I would rather text, but in all actuality, I have found that here lately I don’t get on it like I used too. I used to grab it as soon as I woke up, was on it at the gym. On it at work, and here lately Ill check it periodically, but my phone isn’t getting me where I want to be. It isn’t a business deal, it isn’t a job opportunity. I have deleted my snapchat and deactivated my Facebook, and I only have my instagram left, one day that will be gone as well. I know this makes me sound like a dick or an asshole, and Im ok with that, but its the real of the matter. I am a single mom, I wake up at 4am every morning, go to the gym by 4:30am, get home around 6am, get ready for work which Im there 8 hours, then I come home, I cook, I do homework, I spend time with my son, then I blog and its bedtime. Like I dont mean to sound like Im “too busy” but honestly I have priorities. That makes me sound like a dick I know it does, but I need positivity, not negativity. I dont want to spend my time trying to explain why I didnt pick up a phone call, or why I dont want to talk. I want to spend my time trying to find out where my son and I are going to move, where is my future going. How Im going to make sure he is always taken care of. How can I add a second job and an extra class in there without missing too much time with my son. Priorities. Im trying to rebuild relationships with family, its a slow process. It seems that only people who are driven or have a certain mindframe understand this. I just dont know, maybe this was my time to vent everything that has been sitting in my mind, but I want more out of life. I feel like I live in a box, and I am just waiting to kick out the seams. And once I do, watch out world, cuz Im coming for everything they said I couldnt have and more. The ones who thought I couldnt do it, the ones who said I could but didnt believe it, and the ones who helped me but secretly hoped I fell on my face on my way up. On the road to success you have to get comfortable with being alone. But please understand there is a difference between being alone and lonely, cuz Im not lonely. I just have a different way of looking at things now. And now that I have realized it and my worth, Im not settling for anyone or anything and for anyone who gets hurt in the process Im sorry. When you spend a lifetime putting others first and finally put yourself first you’ll understand.

I hope you all are having a splendid Sunday, I just finished my homework, and this. The house is clean, the laundry is done, and we have left over bbq in the house to eat!! I get to go home, and watch the latest episode of Greys, bawl my eyes out cuz thats what the writer of Grey’s is good at. Im pretty sure she sits at home and tries to come up with new ways and shows to make us cry and ruin our life… hahaha

You wanna know the one downfall to living in a city where we actually have winter? when the sun actually comes out, I turn red as a lobster, cuz my porcelain white skin isnt used to the sun anymore! But I will take a sunburn over the clouds today! Dont get me wrong, I think Ima paradox, I love the rain and gloomy days, but the sun gives me life!! oooohhhh its a struggle! hahaha Welp folks thats all I have for today…

Have a great day, enjoy the sunshine if you have it, enjoy the rain if you have that! My playlist decided to switch it up on me, and here I am at the table trying not to punch dance myself across the starbucks courtyard thingy. Or sing outloud, cuz I will, at the top of my lungs. Not that I am a bad singer, I am actually a really good one, but the side glances of people as they walk by is not something I want to deal with right now. 🙂

Peace in the Middle East, Love and chicken grease!

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