March 24th, 2017

ITS FRIDAYYYYY!!!! Or better yet, FRIYAYYYY!!!! Im so excited! And the reason I am excited is because I finally get to sleep this weekend! Schleep the weekend away! Ha Im kidding I wont sleep the weekend away, but it sure did sound good. I got to leave work early, and it was cool cuz I mean I dont feel good. I am sitting here trying to convince myself to go to the gym, I mean I dont want too! Ha Im not gonna lie. I mean I havent felt good the past 2 days, life is throwing me a curve ball. Im just not present. But anywho..

Have you ever felt like God is talking to you? Like really talking to you? The past week when I go to “Air 1” and read the verse of the day it has been out of the book of Psalms and I feel as though God is trying to tell me something so I think this weekend I need to sit down with the bible and God and re-read the book of Psalms like he is telling me something in there. I have been battling things in my head and heart and talking about giving up control to God, you know “Letting Go and Letting God” but there is this thing about control, I dont really want to give it up. Even to God, I am admitting that out loud yes I am. It is hard, when there isnt much that I do control and then I am supposed to give up the one thing I CAN control and give it to God? Who can do that? I mean really honestly do that and not say one thing about it? Not have one reservation or concern about giving up that control? To be able to hand your life over to someone else and be like here you go, its yours I will trust in you and follow you til the end! Can you? Can you really? Without feeling ANY kind of like oh em gee.. What did I just do?! Because I cant. I am trying. Believe me, but I have been struggling internally, I have been searching for something, and I wasnt quite sure what it was, and I still dont, but my buddy last night, I believe God was talking to me thru her, was telling me to stop searching outwardly, and to look inside, that my answer is in my heart. That everything I have been searching for and looking for has been inside me all along, I just need to search within and find the things Im lacking or looking for. It was weird, because everything she said to me, I had been toying with ALL week. Well a little longer than a week, but extra heavy this past week. So this weekend I am going to find a quiet area at the park or starbucks and I am going to re-read the book of Psalms and see if I can figure out what it is God is trying to tell me.

Yesterday I didnt really write anything because I was falling asleep and I didnt feel good, but yesterday was a day to rejoice, and reflect. Yesterday marked 2 years since the day my niece attempted suicide, I dont share this with you to judge or anything I share it because every day someone tries to commit suicide and everyday hundreds are successful, thankfully my beautiful niece is still here to ask me impossible questions and random questions throughout the day. I cant describe the emotion and the overwhelming fear I had as I sat up all night, checking on her to make sure she was still breathing after ingesting pills. If you have never had to experience the fear of either finding your loved one, or listening to them thru half closed eyes as they tell you they want to die. I pray you never have too. I think one of the most common misconceptions of suicide is that they are cowards or that is the “cowards way out” have you any idea what someone was going thru for them to consider that way out? Have you any idea how long someone was strong? Did you accept the call when they reached out to you? Or did you brush them off thinking it was nothing important? How many times have you said good night to someone and it was your last? How many times have you wished you could just hear someone say “I love you or hi” again? How many? How many times have you looked at someone who attempted or talked about someone who was successful and thought they were a coward? What are you for talking about them? You are no better. Suicide is very real folks, it happens daily, hourly, minutely, by the second. You never know if the person in the grocery store you listen too, is going thru something, and you just listening saved there life. I just want you to think of this, one day I will write my best friends story, and it will make you shudder. You will finally understand why I think she is one of THE STRONGEST women that I have ever met.

I leave you with this thought, be someone, that someone can come too. Have such an aura , that is someone was troubled they could just tell that you would listen to them. And then if someone comes to you, dont tell them they are stupid or a coward. Listen to them, tell them how beautiful they are, how much they are valued, how much you love them. And if its someone you dont know, tell them how much someone else loves them. Their family, and if it is family troubles, still tell them, fighting doesnt mean you dont love someone. Actually fighting is the one thing people who love each other do the best. Suicide is real, so is prevention. so is the help that you can offer. if you cant find a nice person, be a nice person.

Wishing you good vibes, love, peace, happiness. From the bottom of my bursting wandering gypsy heart, I wish you all of that. ❤

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