So as I sit here, listening to music, eating popcorn, watching the cats play and blogging, I cant help but to think how my mind is like 83 million miles away from everything here. I wish I could pin point exactly why or where it is, but I just know it isn’t here. As I sit here and I think of everything I realize just how far I have come from who I used to be. Even in the last few months, I have grown. I had a fire lit within me, and I just cant put it out.
I want it all, the career, the house, the life, the happiness, the ability to travel, freedom… complete and UTTER happiness. I want my son to be happy as well, I was thinking about it the other day, and I have been a single mom now for going on 10 years. I have made countless mistakes and I swear there are days where I don’t know which way is up, or how we made it thru, but hey we made it thru. Some days I still don’t know what I’m doing, and I still make several mistakes. But I guess the upside is this: he has all 10 fingers and toes. He doesn’t NEED anything. He WANTS everything, let me repeat that for those who don’t pay attention, my does not NEED anything, but WANTS everything. There is a difference folks, and if you don’t know it, than Im sorry for ya. I promise I cant WAIT for the day he tells me he hates me, I know that sounds horrible, and yes it will probably crush me, but I am not doing my job as his PARENT if he doesnt hate me at least once in his lifetime. In his 11 year old brain he thinks he’ll never hate me, ohhhhh wait little one.. The day will come when you want something so bad, and my answer is no. Or I embarrass the hell out of you in front of your little friends. So just wait it will happen!!! As he gets older the time he wants to spend with mom because X-box and friends call to him! Its ok, I get it, so like any mom what do I do? I make him spend one weekend night with me . And lets get this straight, lol he only likes it when I let him pick the movie!!! Anywho… if you want something, if you wont do it for you, do it for your kids if you have them. Let them be your motivation, let them push you for something more. Let them be your “why” … I end with this… a letter to my son..
My dearest Mikai,
You dont quite understand the magnitude to which my love is for you, and you honestly never will until you have children of your own. From the moment I found out I was pregnant (8 home pregnancy tests and one blood test later) I knew I would spend the rest of my life trying to make sure you always knew that you were loved. safe. and protected. From jump you were a stubborn little thing, I had to have two appointments to find out if you were going to be a boy or a girl because the first one you didnt’ want to unpry your legs to find out. I drank 2 whole bottles of water, and walked around, your dad even shook you in my belly but nope, you werent having it. So I left my first appointment sad and wondering what God had blessed me with. I had to wait 3 whole weeks to find out what you were, and finally there you were a boy, with a big ol head! I cried more finding out your sex than I did the first time I heard your heartbeat. A little boy, little did I know the adventures we would endure as you grew. They gave me a due date of the end of July, but nope, not you, you had to make your mark on the world in your own way, you were 2 weeks late and on the week they were going to induce my labor to take you, you decided to make yourself known. I was in labor with you for 3 days straight! Ohhh the pain mommy went thru, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt walk, I couldnt sit, I couldnt do anything, because the pain was unbearable, but you will werent ready to come! On the morning I was going to be induced I sat watching everyone else sleep because I couldnt and was very angry with them, cuz they all looked comfortable, and very anxious because that was the day I got to meet my son! We went to the hospital and after 3 days of contractions I was only 6cm dilated (dont worry one day you’ll understand what this means) and had to get my epidural quick because Mama wasnt having a natural birth, I was already in soo much pain. Lets just say the epidural caused problems while taking mommys pain away it slowed the process of meeting you. Then I find out the first epidural fell out and they have to do another one and that slowed the process even more, they had to break mommy’s water, and you still werent ready to come out and meet the world. Then something scary happened, they told me you wrapped your umbilical cord around your neck and every time I had a contraction your heart rate dropped so they had to take you right away. So we rushed into an operating room where they cut my belly open and took you out. I couldnt tell you what happened during that process because I was out of it, until i heard a sound, a glorious sound, it was your cry. The angry cry of a baby who just wanted to be warm again! At 3:03pm on August 12th, 2005 my life changed forever, I had never been more in love with anything than I was with that 6lb 7oz 21 inch beautiful screaming baby with a head FULLLL of black hair!! You were perfect, in every way. Watching you grow and mature and turn into the young man that you are becoming has been my privilege as your mother. Because you see Mikai, while I gave birth to you, you gave me life. Never did I imagine I would love something so much. Or be so terrified of something to take it or hurt it than I am of you. As a mom you constantly worry about your kids, are you making the right choices to help them, are you providing them with a safe place to be or talk to you. Do they know you love them.I worry every time you step out of the house Which is why I will NOT let you leave or myself leave without saying I love you and kissing you. Even if you are asleep. Anything can happen in the blink of an eye, and you need to know how much your mama loves you. There is no me without you Mikai. Understand that. I will love you til the end of forever and I will love you past that…
Love always, mama