February 28th,2017

Mann…. The heart.. Is such a fickle fragile thing. In retrospect you would think it wouldn’t be… Like it would be stronger. It wouldn’t jump ship on you so to speak. But alas. It does. Your heart tends to jump ship and bail on you sometimes when you need it most. It clings to things your brain knows it needs to let go. It changes its loyalties on you. It makes you feel things for people you often wouldn’t. And it breaks with a simple utterance of words. How fragile is that.  

While working today I got moved to Pediatrics, lemme tell you. I avoid Ped’s like they are the plague because I tend to get attached and myself little feelers get involved and I feel bad. Well prime example, a kid came in who was being abused and knocked to unconsciosness. And it took everything I had to not cry and just hold him. He was so little and frail and looked so breakable. It tore at my heart strings, wondering how there were really that cruel of people in the world to hurt an innocent. And also how must he feel to not know what he did to make that person so mad to hurt him like that. And that folks is why I do not enjoy doing pediatrics. I want to cry when I give them a shot, it’s not the shot itself. Its the fact that for those brief seconds waiting for their shot they are being held down by me and what a feeling that is to feel helpless and pinned down. It isn’t a good feeling, imagine being a baby and not understanding or knowing why I am doing it. Its just a different ball park. And a completely different game all together. 

I briefly talked last night about making things about people again and making people a priority or important. Your friend youve been friends with forever. Sure they know you care but whens the last time you told them how much their friendship means to you? Or how much you appreciate them? Or do you just assume they know already? Your significant other, when is the last time you did something nice for them. Cooked their favorite meal. Told them how glad you are they are your mate and life partner. When is the last time you did something for someone and didn’t do it for recognition but did it out of the kindness of your heart? When is the last time you paid a compliment to someone you know is a stranger?! When is the last time you did something for the first time? 

My guess is you haven’t in awhile. Or if you have you had to post it on Facebook or instagram therefore taking away from its significance. Which lets be real. I’ve been guilty of that as well but some of you can’t walk down the street without posting it. Like if you don’t post it. It didn’t happen. Why do you seek the approval of others so badly? That you seek to do things to post things to get the “likes” some of you will post things that didn’t happen but make it seem exciting and interesting to keep up with an image. That’s sad. As previously stated. I have been guilty of doing the same thing. And it doesn’t make me feel better, the best and truest moments can’t be caught on social media. I don’t know. My heart was heavy today and I don’t like it. Here lately I have been finding myself again and I love it. I am in the gym again and I am reading (slowly than a turtle in peanut butter) and I am getting a better relationship with my son, my friendships are improving and I am becoming the person I was before. I love that my friends look up to me and tell me I motivate them to be better and do better. And do things they wouldn’t do before. It inspires me to keep pushing forward And be a better person as well. I am just trying to be a better human overall and I think you need to start with yourself. Ive said it before if you can’t find a good person. Be a good person. 

My day was crap I got so overwhelmed with my feelings and I finally broke down and now I feel better. Watching a movie with my son as I write this. He told me Its ok mom. And he’ll read over my shoulder a bit. As I listen to him recite word for word the movie Pixels as we watch it. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ it’s the little things in life that make things worth it. πŸ™‚ 

Over and out from the emotional head of a wandering gypsy soul. ✌❀

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