February 21st, 2017

Today is my dad’s birthday. I don’t particularly talk to him anymore, considering my step-mom is a particular breed of evil.. But it made me emotional. I sat looking at a blank text wondering what to say to him.  I wanted to tell Jim everything going on. How much I missed him. How I wished he was still in our lives. How big Mikai has gotten now, how much she had hurt me thru the years. And how it hurt he took her side over his child’s. But instead all I wrote was “happy birthday dad. I love you. Hope you have a good day” he replied. And that was that.. No extra conversation. No intent to a longer conversation. Just the one reply. It hurt my heart to see his name pop up on the top of my screen but it hurt even more thinking maybe he didn’t want the conversation to continue. Or he didn’t want to know about Mikai or I’s life. So I left it alone and wallowed in my feelings. 😭😭

It isn’t really a story for tonight the kind of evil my step mom is. So instead we”ll celebrate life. My dad’s to be exact. He was a good man. Always working. He was a truck driver just like my grandpa. I never met my grandpa. But I heard he was a hell of a man. My dad’s favorite thing to say was “I’ve driven more miles backwards than most people have forward” I loved going with him in the truck , we would jam out to classic rock.(which is where I get my love for it) we would stay up for days. Drink coffee and soda. Eat candy and just laugh. On the times I didn’t go with him. Every weekend he came home he would make me breakfast. Same thing every weekend. Dunkin eggs and toast. It was kind of “our” thing. I loved it. There wasn’t a man alive who could take my father’s place. I’ve been told several times my dad drove all the way straight thru and slept in the waiting room when I was born. But I could care less. All I knew was that the sun rose and set with this man. 

I guess you can say I miss him. The old him not this new shell of a man who is breathing but not alive. I miss the guy who made jokes and smiled and laughed at stupid stuff. I know I speak of him as if he died. He didn’t for real.  Just emotionally. 

So here’s to my dad. Happy birthday daddy. I will love you always. πŸ’—πŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰

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