January 25th, 2017

Today, has been a long, draining and sad day. My friends grandma passed and it was heart wrenching. While it was hard to watch the family suffer as a whole, what was the worst part of this whole evening is watching Papa. He had to let go of his wife, his best friend, his “catfish mama” his lover of 60 years before their anniversary. Talk about a tear jerker, I couldnt help the waterworks watching Papa talk about her. Hearing how he held her telling her that it was ok to go, and knowing how much he loved her. Man.. People dont do that anymore. Tell me one thing that people cherish anymore the way that man cherished her? To sit and think and know that people throw people away like trash is horrifying as I watched this man sit in agony.

How do you top that? How do you go on and live another day when you have to watch your best friend and lover die in front of your very eyes? Let me tell you I wouldnt be able to do it. But oh to think that some people once valued that kind of connection and love is amazing. In a world where we would, as previously mentioned, rather throw someone away than to work on things and make them work is sad. When someone pisses you off, or hurts your feelings, or yells at you, or does something you dont want them to do, you would rather walk away and leave the relationship or friendship rather than work out your differences and make it work. How different is the world that we live in now? I see tons of people at my job older folks, who have been married for 45, 50, 55 or more years, and it is SOOO refreshing to know that people still hold onto things like that. How is it that people get divorced so quickly? Ill tell you, because no one dates for long term anymore. The goal while dating isnt to find someone to grow and build with, its WHAT CAN THIS PERSON DO FOR ME? HOW CAN THEY HELP ME? So therefore people enter the relationship off bat with expectations of how the other should be, they need to be 6’4″, tattooed, beard, light skinned, make 6 figures, have a car, dont live at home, no baby mamas, or at least no babies under the age of 2, a mamas boy, but not too mamas boy that he lets his mom rule his life, ohhhh annd he better not be friendly with his ex. None of em. And for dudes, she needs to be 5’4 because short girls are the best, pretty eyes, always done up, outfits on point, in shape, skinny with ass and boobs, have her own apt, car, and job, not be high maintenance, and be willing to put out on the first date, or send nudes before you even go. Its ridiculous, instead of finding a genuine connection with someone, finding someone you can grow with. Does this person inspire me? Do they make me want to be better or strive for better? Do they make me feel good? Can I grow with this person? I mean because lets face it, we all have flaws and we all have problems, we are ALL crazy. The trick you see is to find someone who’s crazy you can handle, and go from there. End of story. And then the other trick in all of this, is IF they are not that person, kindly tell them and let them move on, so you and them can find the person you are meant to be with. No need to waste each others time. But again, I guess the things I value in life, loyalty, honesty, communication, trust, and respect are too much to ask for. I crave a love so deep that on the day I am separated from MY true love I feel the same pain and agony that I felt watching Papa. And no I dont wish that kind of PAIN on anyone. I wish that deep of a LOVE for everyone. To feel it in your soul the other persons existence. To know them in and out, to build with someone, raise children with them, watch your children and your grandchildren and your great grandchildren and pass on this beautiful legacy of what love SHOULD be. Thats all I wish for anyone, a love so deep you feel it every time you are apart. Please dont mistake that for a perfect love, because there is no such thing, there is perfect for you, but there will never be one successful married couple who tells you they NEVER argue. I was told today, “well married couples argue too” and that is completely right. Married couples do argue too, but the communication and love and respect they have for each other overcomes any obstacle that may appear or stand in their way. I want a love like grandma and papas.

So basically here is my outtake on life, or at least what I want out of it, I want to be happy, and I dont mean like kind of, I mean ecstatic, jubilantly happy. I dont even seek to be understood or accepted anymore, because guess what at the end of the day, its myself that I have to live with, you dont have too. So therefore You’re acceptance is not needed, but I do want to find someone to grow with. Inspire, build, push each other. Be their backbone, the force that pushes them to be and do better. On the days they feel as though the world has turned their backs on them, they will know that I am there and will never let them fall, I will uplift them, be their coach when they need it, a chef, a best friend, and protect them always. A love so deep, and full of respect, truth, communication, love, and loyalty. The kind of love that when people look at you, they can tell the love is real, not that forced stuff. Too many people now a days are in relationships and more alone than single people. Because they stay out of fear of being alone, not even in love but claiming relationships.If you dont know what it feels like to be alone, how will you ever know if you are with someone because you want them or because you need them?

Anywho I woke up with my whole right side of my face swollen, to find out I had an abscess, and then got my tooth pulled, sooooo needless to say my best friend right now is the pain killers that he gave me. So my bed is calling, also the fact that I am emotionally and mentally drained right now.

RIP Helen aka grandma, Gone but Never Forgotten. And prayers for Papa, as we prepare to lay his best friend, lover, wife, and catfish mama to rest. ❤



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