January 8th, 2017

10:00am: Have you ever woke up in a funk? Like you aren’t in a bad mood, yet you aren’t in a good mood? You’re kind of just …there? Well thats me today, Im not in a bad mood, not in a good mood. Im just here, dwelling in my head, overthinking and remembering. For those of you that are over thinkers such as myself, you know just how badly overthinking kills everything. You could start your day on cloud 9, and by the time you are done thinking, you are 6 feet under. Thats the problem isnt it? You think you are doing something good, by thinking and planning properly, but in all reality you are hurting yourself! Who’d have thunk right??  So here I am overthinking, and getting myself into a funk, a funk from which I have to pull myself out of so I dont have it affect others day. And I havent the faintest of ideas how to go about it, because I dont know which thing is making me feel this way!

To those that know me, know that I call myself a wanderer, because thats what I am. If I have paid my bills, I will hop in the car and go and make an adventure without thinking of the consequence that comes after. Now while myself and my son have made many many memories, my savings happens to be none! I feel like my soul is restless, as if I keep searching for a place for it to call home, and some days its a little more restless than others. I long for places I have yet seen, and a place to call my own. I have this vision of being able to wake up and blog from the beach, sunshine in my doors and windows, salt air rushing thru, and sunshine all around. After all that is my nickname, Sunshine. So of course I long for some place such as California, where I know people and have family. But then I think how expensive it is, I would have to have a regular 8-5, 6 roommates and be a stripper to afford a 2 bedroom box!! hahaha  But still its the idea that its LA! Its Cali! Its sunshine, beach, sand and plenty of free things to do.Then you think of the flip side, I have an 11 year old son, Im a single mom, and what kind of neighborhood would I have to live in, in order to afford an apt? Then there is Seattle, oh man in all your beauty as well, I love all the seasons, I love rain and sunshine. Snow not so much, I mean could we have the cold without it? Id be fine with that! But hey beggers cant be choosers clearly! So here I am now, in the conundrum of wanting sunshine and beach and sand at all times, and wanting affordable! haha..Oh the dilemma is real! Or is it going to be someplace else entirely that calls to me? Maybe Ill get lucky and I can retire to Fiji by my 32nd birthday and the only thing Ill have to worry about is which beach to I want to write my blog from today!!! hahahaha Guess you didnt know I was a dreamer as well as a wanderer!

9:05pm: As my son lays on my chunk, completely oblivious to anything else around him and completely comfortable I cant help but think how blessed I have been lately and I have completely overlooked it. I got my son an xbox one for Christmas, which was the only thing he asked for, and I swear I havent seen him since, he has been over at his cousins playing games non-stop his last week of break and their whole snow break! Sooo naturally mama is feeling a bit neglected and left alone, at 11 they are entering into their pre-teen years and the things that used to be socially acceptable for them to do such as lay with their mother, is no longer acceptable. So naturally as a mama, my little feelings get hurt ! Ha I know that he will forever be a mamas boy, I mean we grew up together, and Ive been a single mama since he was 3. Its been him and I, as a parent you just hope that you are instilling into your kids a good sense of direction, and responsibility, and respect, while also letting them make their own choices and mistakes. It is the hardest, let me repeat the hardest thing for me as a WOMAN to do this.. Raise a successful, respectable, diverse, God-fearing, educated GENTLEMAN. Im not a man, I dont know how to explain things to him from a mans perspective, I definitely dont know how to explain to him when he starts “puberty” hell I freaked out when he told me he had hair on his balls. I was like uhhh no you dont, thats not real. So how am I ever going to properly explain certain things to him? Mannn…. Im not ready for it, he wants to play sports, and I am all for that, but at 11 he is also lazy! Pleaseeee tell me I am not the only mom who goes thru that, I swear I never thought I would quote my mom, but I tell him at least 3 times when he does his chores, “If you would have done them right the first time you wouldnt have to go back and do them again” Or “stop half-assing” or “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” I swear I feel like 56 years old saying that, but hey, I guess it comes with being a parent. Im terrified to let him grow up in todays society, it is so filled with hate, and crime, and sex, and drugs and the age to which each kid is getting exposed keeps getting younger and younger each year. It is scary to be a parent!!! I guess all you can hope for is that they are listening just pretending like they arent when they leave the house and they use the skills and advise and tools you have given them. You hope that they are all the things you wished for them to be, and you wish more than anything that all their dreams come true. I can tell you with my son, I have to tell him quite a bit that “cant is NOT in your vocabulary” You NEVER let anyone tell you, you CANT do something, not even me”  You can do anything you put your mind too, I know that sounds cliche but living in todays world where everyone gives up at the first chance of struggle I feel it is important to instill those kinds of morals and values in your children. Again, I am terrified for him to grow up, I mean again another story, He tells me there is a Valentines Dance and he wants to ask this girl, Im like hell to the no you are not, and he said mooom!! I said fine, whats her name? He says Ashley, and I said well she sounds like she has attitude. Dont know her dont want too!! lol He got a letter saying, this is your secret admirer I like you, and if you want to know who I am come to the field on Tuesday at lunch and I will show you. It was sealed with an oily lip gloss kiss and guess who didnt go to school on Tuesday?! Yep youre DAMN RIGHT!!!!! He took a sick day that day and stayed home with mama playing hookie. Mannnnnn dont play with my emotions. Bottom line, being a single mama to a pre-teen boy is down right HARD!! But more than worth it, the sun rises and sets with me in his eyes. He loves me whether I am right, wrong or indifferent, I am his hero. And to me that makes every tear, breakdown, set back, every moment worth it. So until he is too big to cuddle Ill take every cuddle and every kiss, and snuggle and hug and I wont complain if he wants to give me 8 in a row. Because one day all I will want is one of those, and he’ll be “too cool”

Today was awesome, my friend, had to get surgery on her foot and ankle, and it was very extensive, so she has been bed bound for 4 weeks, and lemme tell you, it is not suiting her to sit in that bed, as she was a fitness junkie. So it took the air from her lungs to tell her she had to be bed ridden, to say she had gone stir crazy would be an understatement. Well today we found out that the gym we go to has an elevator, and so guess what we did? lol Well we braved the rain, snow, slush and ice to take her to the gym! Lol now if that isnt determination I dont know what is!!! hahaha We had a great workout, with the exception of her not being able to stand, we went beast like we used to when we worked out. One thing you need to know about my buddy, is she is one of the STRONGEST women I have EVER met in my entire life. To be able to call her my sister, best friend, buddy and the Louise to my Thelma, is an honor,you guys would have to meet her to understand. Cant is not something this woman takes too kindly too, she pushes envelopes and raises the bar constantly. She makes me look like a wuss for complaining about my back when she was working out with her foot in a boot!!! So we beast moded that workout like old times, and have now found out that we can get this done a lot more now! Soo summer body, get ready! Tizzal is back in the gym, and my ass is fixin to be grass!!! hahahahaha I will however have to convince myself that I am NOT actually starving at 10pm at night, I feel as though I am hungrier than a hostage in Somolia. hahahaha but Ima have to convince myself Im actually not!!!! I guess Ill just drink some water and keep on trucking! hahahahaha

Before I go to bed, and end my ramblings, I am going to share something that I read today, and I want you to think about it, long and hard:

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being, and who is willing to destroy his own heart”

Think about that, if you were to separate and punish only those that committed evil, would you be willing to destroy yourself or punish yourself?

Good night, sleep tight, dont let them bed bugs bite!! ❤

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